Tuesday, August 26, 2014

A Pause

I've had to take a pause in this space for a number of reasons.  Some kinda heavy.  Some simply logistics.  There is some stuff going on that I can't write about here, but not writing about it when it is coloring my daily life seems disingenuous. Frankly, I'm not sure when or if I'll find my way back. 


We brought E to college last week.  My little sisters came with me because K had to stay home and man the back to school open house for the little guys and an afternoon soccer game for D.  It went really well.  She is happy and busy and has texted me non-stop which warms my heart knowing she misses us and still needs me.

L cried the night before she left and the morning she left.  M seems a bit lost.  D declared yesterday on the way home from school that everything seems different.

It does.


Last week M made the varsity girls soccer team and A got cut from JV.  Tough few days.  He was pretty upset not really about not making it, but because he knew he was good enough and the worst boy (by far) on his club team made it who went to the school camp the last few years.  We thought he actually would make it after watching the tryouts, but who knows what the coach sees. 

M had her first game last night.  Went in during the first half.  Didn't play very well, gave up a goal, burst into tears and subbed herself out.  Yikes.  She got herself together to go back in the second half and did a little better.  Anxiety disorder sucks.  Having too much change in your life as a 14 year old girl sucks.

It's going to be a long season.


Freshman orientation was yesterday.  They got their laptops, learned about classes and got their lockers.  They are in the same homeroom and their lockers are next to each other.  Other than that, they have no classes together as A is in all honors classes, but it will be good for both I think to have moments to check in with each other.

I'm excited for them and nervous all at once.


At 5pm today all four of the kids have somewhere to be.  Tomorrow the exact same thing is happening, but add in therapy for M and the stress of the first full day of classes for the A and M.

I still have  no idea how all of this is going to happen.


I crave my bed all day.  I lay in bed all night restless and unable to settle my mind.

I'm hopeful that we'll all settle into our new normal easily.  I'm hoping that this will happen sooner rather than later as the fall weather creeps in and our collective anxiety rises as we inch closer to the accident anniversary.

It will be five years.


  1. I understand that tension between wanting to write and not being able to. There are so many topics I would love to sort out on my blog and even get feedback about, but some stories are just not mine to share. Whatever you're going through I hope you have an outlet for the thoughts that go with it.

    I appreciated your update very much.

  2. I'm so sorry you're in a difficult place right now. I wish you weren't. I wish there were something I could do to help.

    Thank you for updating even though you can't speak of the biggest stressor.

    I thought of you and E last week when I saw it was move-in. It made me smile and I hoped you had a chance to get to the Cheese Shop. :o)

    Good luck. The anniversaries SUCK. :o(

  3. The anticipation of the anniversary, and especially a "big" one like 5 years, may be affecting you all even more than you can tell. In times like that, I often have to remind myself to go back to taking life one breath at a time. Remember, if you think you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. You won't always feel the way you do now.

  4. I've been thinking about you and your family, hoping E has had a good transition to college. It sounds like it, that's huge for everyone! Sports tryouts stink, super stressful and yes, the better players are sometimes off the roster. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with all that you mentioned and all that you couldn't.