I've had to take a pause in this space for a number of reasons. Some kinda heavy. Some simply logistics. There is some stuff going on that I can't write about here, but not writing about it when it is coloring my daily life seems disingenuous. Frankly, I'm not sure when or if I'll find my way back.
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We brought E to college last week. My little sisters came with me because K had to stay home and man the back to school open house for the little guys and an afternoon soccer game for D. It went really well. She is happy and busy and has texted me non-stop which warms my heart knowing she misses us and still needs me.
L cried the night before she left and the morning she left. M seems a bit lost. D declared yesterday on the way home from school that everything seems different.
It does.
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Last week M made the varsity girls soccer team and A got cut from JV. Tough few days. He was pretty upset not really about not making it, but because he knew he was good enough and the worst boy (by far) on his club team made it who went to the school camp the last few years. We thought he actually would make it after watching the tryouts, but who knows what the coach sees.
M had her first game last night. Went in during the first half. Didn't play very well, gave up a goal, burst into tears and subbed herself out. Yikes. She got herself together to go back in the second half and did a little better. Anxiety disorder sucks. Having too much change in your life as a 14 year old girl sucks.
It's going to be a long season.
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Freshman orientation was yesterday. They got their laptops, learned about classes and got their lockers. They are in the same homeroom and their lockers are next to each other. Other than that, they have no classes together as A is in all honors classes, but it will be good for both I think to have moments to check in with each other.
I'm excited for them and nervous all at once.
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At 5pm today all four of the kids have somewhere to be. Tomorrow the exact same thing is happening, but add in therapy for M and the stress of the first full day of classes for the A and M.
I still have no idea how all of this is going to happen.
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I crave my bed all day. I lay in bed all night restless and unable to settle my mind.
I'm hopeful that we'll all settle into our new normal easily. I'm hoping that this will happen sooner rather than later as the fall weather creeps in and our collective anxiety rises as we inch closer to the accident anniversary.
It will be five years.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Changes
Lots of change is afoot in these parts.
In 2.5 weeks we bring E to college. Something I think we are all excited about. A new start for everyone. Just a few days off of swimming (with her early morning practice) has brought out a well rested, nicer E. Not having to be quiet at 8:30 at night so she can get to sleep gives us all a glimpse of a more relaxed household when she's off to school.
A and M also start high school in 3 weeks. Soccer tryouts start the week before. A doesn't really want to play because he's nervous about his academic workload and not having enough time for his herpetology and skateboarding. We want him to at least try. We have finally figured out how they are getting to school, but still not sure how I'm going to be able to manage the addition of the high school soccer schedule and the other kids sports. Like most things I keep repeating my mantra of "it always works out."
D and M are away at team soccer camp this week. It's been weird only having 3 kids in the house. It's been nice for the 3 at home to get a little more time with me. Dinners especially have been more relaxed. I think they are having a good time at camp, but D has called a lot and last night called at 10:55pm wanting us to come see him today. Since it's over an hour away AND we're picking them up tomorrow at noon, we're not going, but it's hard to hear him homesick. He's never EVER slept away from home without us (even friend sleepovers). I think he's tired, which isn't helping things, and is having fun but misses his family. M being with him helps I think (including all the attention from her 14 year old girls team). As nice as this week has been, I miss them and want all my guys home.
We got M's results from her ADHD retesting. It was really good. They were able to pinpoint her challenges a little more and actually confirm something she's always complained about. We also have two distinct diagnosis of ADHD and General Anxiety Disorder. We last tested her right after 5th grade and it was hard to distinguish between the two given the closeness to her trauma. We have a much clearer understanding of her challenges. I'm hoping we can help her more and I'm confident that the services she'll be getting at school will help her all around.
I wrote K a letter.
I know that sounds so silly, but sometimes it's easier to write things down than talk about them in person.
I think he heard me. It's broken the ice enough to allow us to have a few tough conversations in the last two days.
One thing I've learned in the last 5 years is that love is both simple and complicated. Taking in the girls out of love was simple. Getting E to love us as her family is a still evolving paradigm. I love K with all of my heart. Marriage is often tough, though, and romantic love is sometimes the farthest thing from the reality of raising a family (a complicated one at that).
Lots of changes. Some good. Some challenging (not going to label them as bad yet). There still is a lot of love though. That's not changing.
In 2.5 weeks we bring E to college. Something I think we are all excited about. A new start for everyone. Just a few days off of swimming (with her early morning practice) has brought out a well rested, nicer E. Not having to be quiet at 8:30 at night so she can get to sleep gives us all a glimpse of a more relaxed household when she's off to school.
A and M also start high school in 3 weeks. Soccer tryouts start the week before. A doesn't really want to play because he's nervous about his academic workload and not having enough time for his herpetology and skateboarding. We want him to at least try. We have finally figured out how they are getting to school, but still not sure how I'm going to be able to manage the addition of the high school soccer schedule and the other kids sports. Like most things I keep repeating my mantra of "it always works out."
D and M are away at team soccer camp this week. It's been weird only having 3 kids in the house. It's been nice for the 3 at home to get a little more time with me. Dinners especially have been more relaxed. I think they are having a good time at camp, but D has called a lot and last night called at 10:55pm wanting us to come see him today. Since it's over an hour away AND we're picking them up tomorrow at noon, we're not going, but it's hard to hear him homesick. He's never EVER slept away from home without us (even friend sleepovers). I think he's tired, which isn't helping things, and is having fun but misses his family. M being with him helps I think (including all the attention from her 14 year old girls team). As nice as this week has been, I miss them and want all my guys home.
We got M's results from her ADHD retesting. It was really good. They were able to pinpoint her challenges a little more and actually confirm something she's always complained about. We also have two distinct diagnosis of ADHD and General Anxiety Disorder. We last tested her right after 5th grade and it was hard to distinguish between the two given the closeness to her trauma. We have a much clearer understanding of her challenges. I'm hoping we can help her more and I'm confident that the services she'll be getting at school will help her all around.
I wrote K a letter.
I know that sounds so silly, but sometimes it's easier to write things down than talk about them in person.
I think he heard me. It's broken the ice enough to allow us to have a few tough conversations in the last two days.
One thing I've learned in the last 5 years is that love is both simple and complicated. Taking in the girls out of love was simple. Getting E to love us as her family is a still evolving paradigm. I love K with all of my heart. Marriage is often tough, though, and romantic love is sometimes the farthest thing from the reality of raising a family (a complicated one at that).
Lots of changes. Some good. Some challenging (not going to label them as bad yet). There still is a lot of love though. That's not changing.
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