We've been at the beach.
Kids had a blast.
A had a once in a lifetime herping week filming multiple species he has never seen in the wild.
L finally learned how to ride a bike and loved time with his cousins.
D loved learning to paddleboard and ate crabs for the first time.
M got her hair braided and had the house record for number of peaches eaten.
E surfed and stayed up late playing poker with the uncles which was rare for our 8:30pm bedtime swimmer.
I did not have a particularly good week.
I have perfected the art of smiling, acting present for the kids, engaging in small talk with my in-laws, yet having my heart and mind a million miles away.
The distance between my actions and heart caused by a widening rift between me and K.
The rift causing so much pain because he is my best friend and love of my life.
I have proof now that you can love someone beyond measure, yet be so frustrated and hurt by that same person that one look at them brings nothing but anger. Then one minute later dismiss the hurt and be so worried about them because you know they are not acting like the person you know them to be.
Looking at our life from the outside you see 5 healthy, flourishing kids.
Lately, living on the inside makes me feel like I'm on the outside looking in...having a hard time being totally there and dealing with the complexity of our life and the painful reality of a marriage in crisis. And sometimes that's okay in order to keep those 5 children happy and thriving (which they are).
I just don't know where that leaves me.