Monday, July 28, 2014

Outside Looking In

We've been at the beach.

Kids had a blast. 

A had a once in a lifetime herping week filming multiple species he has never seen in the wild.

L finally learned how to ride a bike and loved time with his cousins.

D loved learning to paddleboard and ate crabs for the first time.

M got her hair braided and had the house record for number of peaches eaten.

E surfed and stayed up late playing poker with the uncles which was rare for our 8:30pm bedtime swimmer.

I did not have a particularly good week.

I have perfected the art of smiling, acting present for the kids, engaging in small talk with my in-laws,  yet having my heart and mind a million miles away.

The distance between my actions and heart caused by a widening rift between me and K. 

The rift causing so much pain because he is my best friend and love of my life.

I have proof now that you can love someone beyond measure, yet be so frustrated and hurt by that same person that one look at them brings nothing but anger.  Then one minute later dismiss the hurt and be so worried about them because you know they are not acting like the person you know them to be.

Looking at our life from the outside you see 5 healthy, flourishing kids.

Lately, living on the inside makes me feel like I'm on the outside looking in...having a hard time being totally there and dealing with the complexity of our life and the painful reality of a marriage in crisis.  And sometimes that's okay in order to keep those 5 children happy and thriving (which they are).

I just don't know where that leaves me.


  1. I wish there were easy words that could help and heal. Hope you and K can get some time just the two of you to just be together and maybe help things back in the right direction. x

  2. Sending you strength and support...marriage is hard, especially under the weight of stress. I am not sure if you've read this blog but this is something that I read recently that really resonated with me. I know you've done a lot of the reaching out, I hope your husband can reach back.

  3. Oh Peg, I wish I had something...anything...I'm without words. I'm so sorry. Big hugs and prayers for you guys.

  4. I think it leaves you in the same place that most married people have been in at one or more points. I don't know you but from reading your blog I know that you've gotten through tougher times. You can get through this, too, with hard work, and it seems like it will be worth the effort.

  5. Interested to know where you heart and mind are in those million miles away.

    1. Usually worrying about us, K, thinking about how our life might have been different without girls, worry, worry and more worry.

  6. Thinking of you, Peg. I hope things start to turn around soon.

  7. Marriage is hard, hard work. We are five months into the other (good) side of a rough, hard 2.5 years.

    We're rooting for you Peg.

  8. If there were things I could say that had to power to fix anything I would share them. Thinking of you and hoping you feel on more joyful ground soon.