Please be patient with me oh you wonderful, supportive readers. I have been unbelievably busy. When I do have time to write here, I've been too physically and emotionally exhausted. I have been so tired this week, I actually considered paying my therapist to let me sleep for our usual hour. I bribed L with new games on my Nook on Sunday afternoon if he would stay cozy with me under the covers and play the games while I took a 20 minute power nap. It was bliss.
Why the extra fatigue this week? Here's the laundry list:
1. Last week K went to Park City, Utah with our college friends. I could have gone, but it just wasn't feasible. He left Thursday afternoon and was back Monday afternoon. I missed him. The kids missed him. It was four days of being the only adult in the house. It's times like these that I notice the stuff he does around here that I guess I take for granted (taking the garbage out, doing the dishes). Since he's been home, though, we've been a bit disconnected. My lingering resentment. His difficulty in jumping back into the real world. I want him to be happy. I encouraged him to go. I just wish he felt a little guilty or better yet, had chosen not to go at all.
2. While on single parent duty over the weekend, we had 2 basketball games, 2 soccer games, 1 cheer game, 1 championship high school swim meet, 2 basketball picture days and 1 12 year old birthday (family party and kid party). Throw in there homework, church and basic care for 5 kids and it was certainly a hectic time.
3. See number 2. It was M's 12th birthday on Friday. This included treats for the 6th grade, birthday presents, dinner out and cake back at home. On Sunday I threw a friend birthday party for 10 kids which included a scavenger hunt at the mall, team t-shirts, goodie bags and festivities back at home. She had a great time. One of her friends stayed around to watch the super bowl and didn't get picked up till 8:45. On a school night. Fun had by all = very tired mommy.
4. D has continued to implode. He screamed for 10 minutes in the car on Friday afternoon that all we cared about was M and that we didn't love him anymore. He was in my bed Friday and Saturday night and slept on the floor next to our bed on Monday. I had to pick him up from school early on Tuesday. He cried for 30 minutes yesterday not wanting to go to soccer practice. We're taking some steps try to get him back on even keel. We're letting him decide about not playing baseball this spring and we decided to give him his own family birthday party instead of sharing with M. Small steps to give him some control in a situation where he's had none. My poor little boy.
5. All five of the kids have been craving attention more and more. It's like they all realize that this is real all of the sudden and need constant affirmation. Even E, who as a 15 year old should know better, starts to ratchet up the antics (fake illnesses, injuries, yelling) until the attention inevitably has to shift even if it's just me telling whoever it is to take a chill. L has been ridiculously clingy. I actually put him in timeout tonight for not giving mommy any personal space. Having an almost five year old saddled to you all day is exhausting.
6. This next thing deserves an entire post in itself. The facilitated meeting with CA was awful. I was absolutely spent emotionally for days after the meeting. I don't even know where to start in trying to explain what happened. One of the things that came out of the meeting was that CA was going to try to communicate better. This has resulted in a deluge of text messages about ridiculous things, but not actually anything of import. The lies embedded in these texts are especially upsetting. Hashing it all out with my little sisters, K, dad and therapist has left me shaky and weary.
7. All this extra stress has left me a physical mess. My stomach is constantly queasy and at least twice a day my bowels turn to a liquid mess. When not much is getting in and whatever does shoots out the other end, my energy levels have been less than stellar. Oh and the hives...stress wreaks havoc on one's body.
But please be patient with me. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I have a lot of great posts forming in my mind....a song comes on bringing the tears or smiles, a friend reaches out just when needed, two 11 year olds dance arm in arm to a silly song of their own invention...the words form in clusters in my befuddled mind. One of these days I'll get them out.
Oh sweetie, don't apologize to us, this is supposed to be YOUR space. You can use it however you need. Your blog doesn't have to be another thing in the endless 'to do' list. Write what you need when you can. And know that we are here listening and praying for you. xxx
ReplyDeleteNo apologies needed. You need to take care of you. We are here praying and cheering you one, and will still be here when you have another moment.
ReplyDeleteFor now, do whatever it is you need to do to find some peace.
Many prayers and hugs.
Ugh, it sounds like it's been a rough several days. Single parenting is hard under the best of circumstances and those, obviously, are not. Definitely don't apologize to us. Best of luck getting things back onto a more even keel.
ReplyDeleteOh, number 4 on your list just broke my heart.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you have time to breathe, let alone blog! That is such an enormous amount of stress you are carrying from so many sources. I hope rest and relief find you somehow soon.
I 2nd that this blog is your space to use as you need. Don't add it as one of the things that is causing you stress! Hopeing you're able to find a few moments for yourself.
ReplyDeleteJust remember things to have to be perfect for it to be ok. When I was 8 my sister had an accident that almost took her life (she was 19) and put her in the hospital for 2 months and required much follow-up care. I remember that things changed at that point, my parents were busy, I (the youngest of 4) was no longer the center of attention..our whole family focus shifted to my sister. I remember crying when my mother left for a week to go to New York to a specialist with my sister. But, mostly I remember the love my parents had for me, the love I had for my sister and the good times we had. I know it seems over whelming now, but, just remember that through this tragedy your sons have had to sacrifice a lot but they also have gained something in having their cousins. You might not make it to every game or have as much time but that doesn't mean they won't come out of the other end of this ok. Keep up the good fight and just keep giving them (and yourself) as much love and patience as you can.
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