Today didn't seem out of the ordinary. It started off like a normal Tuesday. Normal wake-up, breakfast to be made (four different orders) and the ride to school. I had a plan for the day. Drive to pre-school, grocery store trip, babysitting my nephew, a little work in between and a few chores around the house. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Then a call came from my friend Kathleen about some research she did for me about further help for M. I had completely forgotten she had offered to do it. It got me thinking about M and all her issues and how hard it is for me to keep a handle on things with her. While on that call, E's therapist called about our next plan for her ( I was supposed to call her back last week). C came over to pick up my nephew and starting talking about my mom's issues and how they are getting worse. We sprinkled in a little worry about KT and MG during the conversation for a perfect cocktail of anxiety. As the afternoon as gone more stuff has piled up. I just can't keep up with all of the kids needs. They all need so much. Add to that laundry, drives to practice, homework, clutter, and overall logistics. Just thinking about this weekend sent me into a horrible case of hives. I can feel my temper simmering below the surface ready to explode at the first kid who doesn't listen or starts to whine. Even my "what's the worst thing that could happen" mantra isn't helping.
As we approach the anniversary of my sister and Mike's death, I can feel the anxiety rising within. At times it is a physical pain that is hard to describe. It's not as bad as last year, but my body feels like it's sinking back into the memories of that horrible fall day. I think it must be those feelings that make a day like today seem so overwhelming.
Tonight, I still have lunches to make, laundry to fold and some more work to do. All I want to do is go upstairs and have a good cry.
Today has been a tough day. Tomorrow is lining up to be a normal crazy Wednesday (work, school, therapy, baseball game, swim practice, soccer practice). I hope I have the strength to handle it better than I did today.