We've been at the beach.
Kids had a blast.
A had a once in a lifetime herping week filming multiple species he has never seen in the wild.
L finally learned how to ride a bike and loved time with his cousins.
D loved learning to paddleboard and ate crabs for the first time.
M got her hair braided and had the house record for number of peaches eaten.
E surfed and stayed up late playing poker with the uncles which was rare for our 8:30pm bedtime swimmer.
I did not have a particularly good week.
I have perfected the art of smiling, acting present for the kids, engaging in small talk with my in-laws, yet having my heart and mind a million miles away.
The distance between my actions and heart caused by a widening rift between me and K.
The rift causing so much pain because he is my best friend and love of my life.
I have proof now that you can love someone beyond measure, yet be so frustrated and hurt by that same person that one look at them brings nothing but anger. Then one minute later dismiss the hurt and be so worried about them because you know they are not acting like the person you know them to be.
Looking at our life from the outside you see 5 healthy, flourishing kids.
Lately, living on the inside makes me feel like I'm on the outside looking in...having a hard time being totally there and dealing with the complexity of our life and the painful reality of a marriage in crisis. And sometimes that's okay in order to keep those 5 children happy and thriving (which they are).
I just don't know where that leaves me.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
ABC's
Not sure why I haven't been able to write lately. It's not really a lack of time as it's more of a lack of motivation. I've been keeping up with reading all the blogs I love. I simply haven't had the "umph" to sit down at the keyboard and knock out a post. Lots of "drafts" in my head. Not sure why and not sure it really matters.
In an effort to get back on the horse, here's an update for each member of our assorted cast in alphabetical order.
A.
A is really have a great few weeks. He did amazing at his recent skate competition and far exceeded his own expectations. Most importantly, he dedicated his skates to our young neighbor with cancer who is currently sitting in a bed at the hospital the event was raising money for. We texted her pictures during the weekend including a cute one with her initials written on his arm. He actually came in second in the fundraising aspect of the event and won tons of cool prizes including a new longboard. On the herpetology front, he has caught and filmed two species that he has been looking for at least 4 years. One was at a secret location shown to us by his local mentor that included us pulling about 100 ticks off of each other (yuck). Totally worth it though to see his face after he found the snake he has been searching for for such a long time. He's actually been in such a good mood, it's been a bit annoying.
D.
D has also been having a good start to the summer. This week he's running a sports camp out of our house from 9:30 to 12 teaching soccer and baseball. Campers include his brother and 3 cousins, but also 2 kids from down the street. He's only charging $50 for the week and having such a great time. He wants to earn money to buy a new itouch and came up with a great plan. He wrote curriculum, collected all the gear, and taking it very seriously. I've been impressed with how professionally he's handling himself. We've been getting requests from other parents who've heard how much fun the kids are having so he might even do a second week at some point. With D, it's very important to keep him busy and with a focus, and the camp has been just what the doctor ordered.
E.
Ah, E...We've had moments of normalcy, but for the most part she has been so difficult. We almost feel like she's regressed to our first year together. I'm assuming it's her way of dealing with leaving us in the fall and a result of her anxiousness about everything. It's still really annoying. I'm trying so hard to balance being patient and at the same time not allowing her to make life miserable for everyone else. She has always needed to be the center of all attention and recently taken it to a whole new level. Inappropriate comments during family events, complaining about food again, and rude comments to her sister and cousins. I knew this summer with her was going to be trying. Going through it with that knowledge isnt' helping too much. On the good news, she's really busy finally with lessons and coaching so she's not around as much to cause too much havoc.
K.
I'm trying. Really, really trying to focus a little more on him and our marriage. Last week I tried to make extra efforts to be kind to him and he did seem to be more engaged with our family life. He's at least making more efforts with the kids and for that I'm happy. I still yearn for a day that I feel more like we are a team and one time he put me first. I still worry about his overall mental and physical health. He has not been himself since he got sick. I don't know what to do to help him other than love him the best I can and hope we weather this storm.
L.
This kid is hilarious. He makes all of us smile and laugh throughout the day. I love every age, but 7 has really been a blast with this one. I've made a concerted effort to get more one-on-one time with him. We've had some great nights at the pool, game time after dinner just the two of us, and cosy time on the couch. His big prize to start the summer was a box of 120 crayons. His favorite thing to do is reading all the different colors...his current favorite is piggy pink. We are easing into doing his summer reading and I decided that playing 1 v 1 on words with friends must count for some academic work. Right?
M.
We've had our ups and downs with M lately. She's had a much better attitude about swimming and as a result she's been doing great. In a little bit of harmless rebellion, she dyed her gorgeous red hair hot pink/purple at the ends last week. I think it looks dorky (A hates it), but giving her this little bit of control seems to help her behavior overall. We did have a few days of weirdness and a fake illness that included me bringing her to the doctor to call her bluff. Very tiring our M can be. We also just finished up her re-testing for learning disabilities and ADHD last week and get her results next Friday. I'm curious to see how things have changed if at all in the 3 years since we last tested. She and her sister have been fighting non-stop. I'm thinking E going off to college in the fall is going to calm things down for her a bit.
P.
Then there's me. I've been a bit off and maybe that's why my writing has slowed. Chicken and egg kinda thing I think. Even with school out, I simply have so much to do in the day that it's impossible to get everything done. The result is often a feeling of being so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed not knowing what to prioritize. I get further behind and the cycle keeps going. My patience at the end of the day is non-existent. I'm working to stay in the positive as much as possible...key word being "work." I hope one day I'll turn the corner and truly accept this is my life and tackle it with the same enthusiasm the old Peg used to without having to make such a cognizant effort.
Other randoms...World Cup has continued to be so fun. Lots of gatherings at our house to watch all the games not just the US (poop we lost against Belgium). We got a ping pong table. It's awesome and the boys especially have had a great time playing. K and I both had a table growing up and have enjoyed playing with them. Our house has also become the hang-out place this summer. Today we have two of M's friends, one of A's friends and my nephew R. Actually A's friend has been here pretty much non-stop since Saturday (he moved home from England on Friday). I like this.
I'll try to write more regularly. Getting this out today makes me feel good. I've got lots of things to be grateful for and this blog is one of them.
In an effort to get back on the horse, here's an update for each member of our assorted cast in alphabetical order.
A.
A is really have a great few weeks. He did amazing at his recent skate competition and far exceeded his own expectations. Most importantly, he dedicated his skates to our young neighbor with cancer who is currently sitting in a bed at the hospital the event was raising money for. We texted her pictures during the weekend including a cute one with her initials written on his arm. He actually came in second in the fundraising aspect of the event and won tons of cool prizes including a new longboard. On the herpetology front, he has caught and filmed two species that he has been looking for at least 4 years. One was at a secret location shown to us by his local mentor that included us pulling about 100 ticks off of each other (yuck). Totally worth it though to see his face after he found the snake he has been searching for for such a long time. He's actually been in such a good mood, it's been a bit annoying.
D.
D has also been having a good start to the summer. This week he's running a sports camp out of our house from 9:30 to 12 teaching soccer and baseball. Campers include his brother and 3 cousins, but also 2 kids from down the street. He's only charging $50 for the week and having such a great time. He wants to earn money to buy a new itouch and came up with a great plan. He wrote curriculum, collected all the gear, and taking it very seriously. I've been impressed with how professionally he's handling himself. We've been getting requests from other parents who've heard how much fun the kids are having so he might even do a second week at some point. With D, it's very important to keep him busy and with a focus, and the camp has been just what the doctor ordered.
E.
Ah, E...We've had moments of normalcy, but for the most part she has been so difficult. We almost feel like she's regressed to our first year together. I'm assuming it's her way of dealing with leaving us in the fall and a result of her anxiousness about everything. It's still really annoying. I'm trying so hard to balance being patient and at the same time not allowing her to make life miserable for everyone else. She has always needed to be the center of all attention and recently taken it to a whole new level. Inappropriate comments during family events, complaining about food again, and rude comments to her sister and cousins. I knew this summer with her was going to be trying. Going through it with that knowledge isnt' helping too much. On the good news, she's really busy finally with lessons and coaching so she's not around as much to cause too much havoc.
K.
I'm trying. Really, really trying to focus a little more on him and our marriage. Last week I tried to make extra efforts to be kind to him and he did seem to be more engaged with our family life. He's at least making more efforts with the kids and for that I'm happy. I still yearn for a day that I feel more like we are a team and one time he put me first. I still worry about his overall mental and physical health. He has not been himself since he got sick. I don't know what to do to help him other than love him the best I can and hope we weather this storm.
L.
This kid is hilarious. He makes all of us smile and laugh throughout the day. I love every age, but 7 has really been a blast with this one. I've made a concerted effort to get more one-on-one time with him. We've had some great nights at the pool, game time after dinner just the two of us, and cosy time on the couch. His big prize to start the summer was a box of 120 crayons. His favorite thing to do is reading all the different colors...his current favorite is piggy pink. We are easing into doing his summer reading and I decided that playing 1 v 1 on words with friends must count for some academic work. Right?
M.
We've had our ups and downs with M lately. She's had a much better attitude about swimming and as a result she's been doing great. In a little bit of harmless rebellion, she dyed her gorgeous red hair hot pink/purple at the ends last week. I think it looks dorky (A hates it), but giving her this little bit of control seems to help her behavior overall. We did have a few days of weirdness and a fake illness that included me bringing her to the doctor to call her bluff. Very tiring our M can be. We also just finished up her re-testing for learning disabilities and ADHD last week and get her results next Friday. I'm curious to see how things have changed if at all in the 3 years since we last tested. She and her sister have been fighting non-stop. I'm thinking E going off to college in the fall is going to calm things down for her a bit.
P.
Then there's me. I've been a bit off and maybe that's why my writing has slowed. Chicken and egg kinda thing I think. Even with school out, I simply have so much to do in the day that it's impossible to get everything done. The result is often a feeling of being so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed not knowing what to prioritize. I get further behind and the cycle keeps going. My patience at the end of the day is non-existent. I'm working to stay in the positive as much as possible...key word being "work." I hope one day I'll turn the corner and truly accept this is my life and tackle it with the same enthusiasm the old Peg used to without having to make such a cognizant effort.
Other randoms...World Cup has continued to be so fun. Lots of gatherings at our house to watch all the games not just the US (poop we lost against Belgium). We got a ping pong table. It's awesome and the boys especially have had a great time playing. K and I both had a table growing up and have enjoyed playing with them. Our house has also become the hang-out place this summer. Today we have two of M's friends, one of A's friends and my nephew R. Actually A's friend has been here pretty much non-stop since Saturday (he moved home from England on Friday). I like this.
I'll try to write more regularly. Getting this out today makes me feel good. I've got lots of things to be grateful for and this blog is one of them.
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