The kicker is that "knowing" that I should be grateful and cut myself some slack is actually stressing me out because my true honest feelings are (in no particular order):
Tired of being all of the above.
Every day when I start my paid work, I make a to-do list which includes work items and life items. Today I actually put "change attitude around" with a smiley face. Not sure if I'm going to check that one off.
I feel completely capable of tackling any one of the current issues de jour in our house. All together, however, has me keeping the fine balance between panic and wanting to crawl under the covers and stay there for a few hours
Here are a few things (again in no particular order) currently on my plate:
--E had a total breakdown last Friday. She cried for an hour straight and nothing I said could calm her down. The straw on the camel's back was a bad swim and it's led to her dropping out of junior nationals (her last time she'd qualify due to age) and taking a 2 week break out of the pool starting next week. She is burned out, an emotional wreck and very needy. It's been a rough few days. Her swim coach has been really annoying about it and very condescending. Her self worth is so tied up in her swimming and add on to that some emotional times approaching and it's no wonder she's buckling under the pressure.
--L's 7th birthday was last Saturday (yay!) and due to a soccer tournament cancellation he got to spend the day at home with cousin fun and the movies. His kid party (pokemon!) and family party (taco bar!) are all this coming up Saturday. Not sure how I'm going to pull it off (I also have to register A and M for high school at 10am, D has a 10am soccer scrimmage and afternoon baseball practice, A has an indoor soccer game late afternoon and K has a baseball draft starting at 8pm after the party so no help cleaning up).
--M is really struggling in school again. No motivation. Argumentative. Low self esteem. She is also very needy and the more E has struggled the more M amps up her neediness.
--We're back to the normal soccer and baseball crazy routine. It's mid-day as I'm writing this and I still don't know how everyone is getting to practice tonight and getting fed. I'm thinking of putting out a food trough.
--Work is work. My client is annoying. The work is tedious, yet requires my concentration and attention to detail. I'm kinda sucking at that (evidence in that I'm writing this while sitting in my cubicle instead of working).
--Everyone in my family is getting weird about E's 18th birthday in May and her high school graduation. It is going to be pretty emotional. I'm trying to explain to the collective that how we are going to celebrate isn't a group decision and that's not going over too well. I secretly want to ignore it all and simply be able to celebrate A's graduation from 8th grade. As usual, the focus is on the girls. When I mention it stinks for Aidan always sharing everything with M and losing his role as the oldest, I constantly get the "he'll be better off in the long run." Well you know what? He is already a very nice boy and would have turned out fine regardless. I am sick and tired of people saying the boys are better off with the girls in their immediate family. What about saying how lucky the girls are to have the boys? Nobody ever says that, because that would some how be diminishing the girls' loss. It's seriously getting old.
--I am totally done with cancer. My brother-in-law's friend died this morning at age 31. Another friend's dad is within hours of dying (just did last rites). My friend's daughter is fighting the this evil monster and it's scary and sad to see her and her family struggle.
--I miss Jeanne. I really, really miss her. I drive by the cemetary at least 2 times a day. She is always in my thoughts. I constantly have the feeling that something is off and know exactly what "that" is. Knowing I can't change it sucks.
Add on to this depressing list all of the cleaning, laundry, driving, feeding, day-to-day crap required to run our household and the bucket runneth over.
I feel guilty for complaining. The guilt adds to the stress. The cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. The only thing keeping me from totally losing it is the knowledge that this is nothing new and I always seem to get through. Not sure what the ultimate cost is, but at least knowing I've handled all of this before helps.