Wednesday, March 12, 2014

One of those days

Today is one of those days where I don't feel enough.  I know, I've heard this before.  I know I need to give my self a pat on the back for all that I do accomplish, etc, etc, etc.  Be grateful for the many blessings in our life, etc, etc, etc.

The kicker is that "knowing" that I should be grateful and cut myself some slack is actually stressing me out because my true honest feelings are (in no particular order):







Tired of being all of the above.

Every day when I start my paid work, I make a to-do list which includes work items and life items.  Today I actually put "change attitude around" with a smiley face.  Not sure if I'm going to check that one off.

I feel completely capable of tackling any one of the current issues de jour in our house.  All together, however, has me keeping the fine balance between panic and wanting to crawl under the covers and stay there for a few hours days.

Here are a few things (again in no particular order) currently on my plate:
--E had a total breakdown last Friday. She cried for an hour straight and nothing I said could calm her down. The straw on the camel's back was a bad swim and it's led to her dropping out of junior nationals (her last time she'd qualify due to age) and taking a 2 week break out of the pool starting next week.  She is burned out, an emotional wreck and very needy.  It's been a rough few days.  Her swim coach has been really annoying about it and very condescending.  Her self worth is so tied up in her swimming and add on to that some emotional times approaching and it's no wonder she's buckling under the pressure.

--L's 7th birthday was last Saturday (yay!) and due to a soccer tournament cancellation he got to spend the day at home with cousin fun and the movies.  His kid party (pokemon!) and family party (taco bar!) are all this coming up Saturday.  Not sure how I'm going to pull it off (I also have to register A and M for high school at 10am, D has a 10am soccer scrimmage and afternoon baseball practice, A has an indoor soccer game late afternoon and K has a baseball draft starting at 8pm after the party so no help cleaning up).

--M is really struggling in school again.  No motivation.  Argumentative.  Low self esteem.  She is also very needy and the more E has struggled the more M amps up her neediness.

--We're back to the normal soccer and baseball crazy routine.   It's mid-day as I'm writing this and I still don't know how everyone is getting to practice tonight and getting fed.  I'm thinking of putting out a food trough.

--Work is work.  My client is annoying.  The work is tedious, yet requires my concentration and attention to detail.  I'm kinda sucking at that (evidence in that I'm writing this while sitting in my cubicle instead of working).

--Everyone in my family is getting weird about E's 18th birthday in May and her high school graduation.  It is going to be pretty emotional.  I'm trying to explain to the collective that how we are going to celebrate isn't a group decision and that's not going over too well. I secretly want to ignore it all and simply be able to celebrate A's graduation from 8th grade.  As usual, the focus is on the girls.  When I mention it stinks for Aidan always sharing everything with M and losing his role as the oldest, I constantly get the "he'll be better off in the long run."  Well you know what?  He is already a very nice boy and would have turned out fine regardless.  I am sick and tired of people saying the boys are better off with the girls in their immediate family.  What about saying how lucky the girls are to have the boys?  Nobody ever says that, because that would some how be diminishing the girls' loss.   It's seriously getting old.

--I am totally done with cancer.  My brother-in-law's friend died this morning at age 31.  Another friend's dad is within hours of dying (just did last rites).  My friend's daughter is fighting the this evil monster and it's scary and sad to see her and her family struggle. 

--I miss Jeanne.  I really, really miss her. I drive by the cemetary at least 2 times a day.  She is always in my thoughts.  I constantly have the feeling that something is off and know exactly what "that" is.  Knowing I can't change it sucks. 

Add on to this depressing list all of the cleaning, laundry, driving, feeding, day-to-day crap required to run our household and the bucket runneth over.

I feel guilty for complaining.  The guilt adds to the stress.  The cycle repeats and repeats and repeats.  The only thing keeping me from totally losing it is the knowledge that this is nothing new and I always seem to get through.  Not sure what the ultimate cost is, but at least knowing I've handled all of this before helps.


  1. Oh, Peg. That does seem like an awful lot, but you know what, you are allowed to complain when things get to be too much. Nobody is meant to handle every moment gracefully and with ease, it's just not possible. It doesn't make you feel better in the thick of things, but I think it helps to know that nothing (and nobody) is 100% falling apart right now. Yes, some are struggling, but that's it right now, a struggle. The world isn't ending, that pretty much happened when Jeanne died. And now it feels like I'm rambling, so I'll stop. Feel free to complain any time, I'll still read.

  2. Ugh. Days like that I tell myself I deserve 15 minutes of bliss--either eating something yummy or reading a good book.... I don't usually do it, but I like the idea of it. Can you call a friend to vent to? When I'm really down I call my best friend from high school and she manages to make me laugh and feel like life isn't so horrible.

  3. The girls are lucky to have the boys, and to have you.
    When I get overwhelmed, I try to focus only on the things that I think will still be remembered in six months. That never includes what's for dinner or who was ten minutes late for practice.

  4. You've got to stop feeling guilty, Peg. You have so much going on right now and you are handling it with far more grace than you are giving yourself credit for. Your family is blessed to have you. It's the big picture that matters - the minutiae is overwhelming you - but you are a rock, sister. Love you.

  5. I felt stressed and overwhelmed just reading this so I can imagine what it must be like to live it.

    Is there some way to lessen everyone's load, allow for more free time, less running around, less schedule? I don't know, just a thought.

    Hugs and I hope there was some catharsis in writing this.

  6. The girls ARE lucky to have the boys. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated and stressed and anxious and worried and all the rest of it. You have a lot going on. It's okay to be there.

    It's okay.

    Beating yourself up doesn't help you. So, don't do it. Don't subscribe to the "I *should*s". Just let yourself feel and be where you are.

    I'm sure your "to do" list is MILES long. I bet that doesn't help a bit. Maybe you should just write down the top five things for the day? I don't know...I'm trying to help.

    Hugs to you. I know it's all sucky.

  7. The girls are lucky to have the boys, and they're ALL lucky to have you. You are doing an amazing job of handling all of this. It's OK to have bad days, and to have all of the feelings that you're having.

  8. Still here, still reading, and still rooting for you. I remember you in my prayers (um, when I remember to pray for other people, that is! ;-)