The week of dread is upon us.
Thursday is the four year anniversary of the accident. It seems like just yesterday, unimaginable that it's been that long.
The kids are a bit off. We all are. They love the morning when we meet at a local park, eat breakfast. play on the playground and send our balloon messages to heaven. Everyone seems to put all of the underlying tensions aside and just enjoy being together and remembering Jeanne and Mike. I actually look forward to the morning. I spend the morning behind the lens of my camera capturing the day and the love our family holds for each other.
For me, for whatever reason, it's the night before that gets me. As bizarre as this sounds, it feels like the accident is going to happen all over again. The horror and shock.
In my head, I run through all of the images that encapsulate that night and the days and week following. Telling E and M their parents were dead. Holding KT in my arms and picking out the glass from her hair. Coming home to K and sobbing. Scenes from the funeral. Seeing E walk into her parent's room, falling face down on their bed and sobbing...the first time I saw her cry about it. Sitting on the floor outside of 18 month old KT's room listening to her cry for her mommy and not being able to do anything.
The questions come flooding in as well. Did she know what was happening? Why couldn't Mike stay on his side of the road? Was she ever in pain? Does she know we have the girls? Does she know we're doing the best we can? Does she know how often I think of her and how they are never forgotten? Not even for a day. Does she know how much I love her?
Why them? Why us?
There is a bit of a difference this year. I feel the dread, but I know that it will be over soon. I know that we just need to remember and get through. Maybe this is the first step towards acceptance? Acceptance that the accident really happened and that they aren"t coming back. This is it. This is our life.
Strangely this insight makes me feel better like I'm moving the boulder called grief further down the road.