I'm a researcher and analyst by trade. This often spills into my personal life. M has ADHD, I'll do all the research I can to understand her. Weird rash, I'm all over WebMD. When D struggles with his eating I've read and re-read "How to take the fight out of food." In the past 5 months, I've done extensive research on pulmonary embolisms, DVT's, and genetic clotting disorders, not to mention prostrate cancer.
I tend to face challenges in my life by digging in and trying to find an answer, whether it's a blog, online article, book, or going to an expert in person.
When it comes to our family, as evidenced on this blog, I'm a bit stumped. I've done research on loss, grief in children, etc. Some of it helps, and some of it doesn't. There isn't much out there on loss of both parents at the same time in a car accident. There isn't much out there on helping your biological children adjust after adopting two of their cousins whose sisters are living with their lesbian aunt. Many well-meaning people have compared our situation to divorced families who have to negotiate step-parenting and step or half siblings. Nice try, but this really doesn't fit either.
In order to understand how to help both the girls and the boys adapt, I started looking at the adoption angle and I found out a category for us...sorta.
Turns out we've done a kinship adoption or are practicing kinship care. I got almost giddy when I found out about this. We have a label! There has to be tons of stuff out there on kinship adoption!
Ummm...no. Most of the support groups, advice, etc. on kinship adoptions is for grandparents adopting their grandchildren. There's lots of stuff about parenting again, after already raising your own children. I even found help for grandparents to understand the new trends in parenting.
I'd be lying if I didn't say how disappointed I was.
I'm still hoping for something or someone to help explain our family. Help for all of us in this adjustment, kids and adults alike. I'm grasping for something to make me feel less alone. An answer.
Whenever the girls are being particularly trying and make declarations that we're not really their family, K likes to joke that we were already family before the accident. We all already loved each other. I may not have raised these girls from birth, but I was right there at both of their births, and walked side-by-side with Jeanne while she parented them.
The accident, in so many ways, blew up our family. We're still struggling to figure out how all the pieces fit together. On the other hand, though, it's expanded our conceptions of family and love. That can't be a bad thing, right?
I wonder if anthropologist may have access to kinship studies that aren't out there in the mainstream. I wonder if you contacted an anthropologist like this one (http://anthropology.virginia.edu/faculty/profile/sm) even if she couldn't help you, she may know of someone doing research out there who could. Another person who would be good would be Project Progeny. I bet she knows a lot of research that hasn't hit the mainstream (http://projectprogeny.wordpress.com/). She's getting her PhD in cultural anthropology.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because before you mentioned it, I was thinking, "it's a little bit like fostering." But, as you say, not really.
Mel, thanks for the great ideas. I actually have done some research using google scholar and JSTOR and most of what I've found is that we don't fit the typical kinship adoption at all (african american, poor, adoption due to neglect/incarceration). This is why most services, etc. is geared towards that demographic. Lots of studies are data and defining the demographic. Most research does show that the development of kinship vs non-kinship adoption kids is generally the same. I'm thinking of looking into adoption with existing children to help a bit.
DeleteAs I've said a million times here...it's all just so complicated.
Maybe instead of hoping to find writing already out there you could start approaching your situation as something to document and analyze for others. Reading research is often just a way to step back and see things critically, but you may achieve some of that same useful distance by trying to write about it. You already do that to some degree on your blog, which I'm sure gives you better perspective just by taking the time to organize your feelings. Maybe putting together your own book on non-grand-parental kinship adoption would be interesting and provide you with an outlet? I think sometimes about when my niece was in a burn unit for two weeks and the whole thing was so upsetting to her mom that in order to stay sane, my sister-in-law wound up making a little movie about their time in the hospital. It was a way of participating while giving herself a little distance and distraction. Anyway, just a thought. You write so well and have such great skills, who knows how many other people are in your situation just waiting to read your research?
ReplyDeleteKorinthia-
DeleteThanks for flipping this on it's head a bit. This space has always been a place for me to spill out all of my junk, but maybe others in my situation may come out of the woodwork. I've already had one commenter write about a similar situation within her family...although the kids were being taken in by their grandparents. I'm reading "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown right now...maybe writing a little more openly about our situation will be me daring greatly?
I think the reason that many of the blogs that I read deal with loss in some form(infertility, child loss, special needs kids, etc.) help me connect to someone even if our situations aren't the same. Maybe if I keep writing I'll find others who are in the same (or similar) boat? Helping others...Helping me...I like that :)
This is so interesting! I, too, am wondering if by putting this idea out on your blog, "Are there more families like this out there?" that you may be able to connect with others in a similar situation. BTW, I am very sorry about the accident. I know you know that, but I just wanted to say it again. xo
ReplyDeleteFunny, I was going to suggest exactly what Korinthia did. There are definitely others out there in the same situation you all are, but because it's such a small group, it's hard to find.
ReplyDeleteWhen we lost Hannah, I was instantaneously a member of a club I had no desire to be a part of. But, it was there and it was huge and it was ready to embrace me and offer any support it could. I cannot begin to tell you how helpful that was. There was a sense of belonging, but also of, "I can survive this if they have".
I completely understand your need and drive to find that place, that sense of belonging, that support.
I think you should truly consider putting your family situation out there and see if you can find others in the same boat because I'm sure they're as desperate for that connection and understanding as you are.
Thanks Rach as usual for your comment. I was thinking this morning that it really is less about finding an answer but finding others that are going through something similar...a connection. BTW, we were in the 'burg last weekend and I thought about you when we were in the cheese shop and giving Molly's team a night time tour of W&M and CW.
DeleteReading this reminded me that my former congresswoman, Connie Morella (who now teaches at American) raised her sister's 6 children (joining her 3) after her sister died of cancer. She is a lovely woman - I wonder if reaching out to her would be helpful.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the comment Sue! I just checked out your blog and I think you're gaining a new reader!
DeleteI follow many different types of parenting blogs. From comedic, to tragic, and most everything in between. Its not something im proud to admit, but the more tragic themed blogs dont generally stay in my feed very long. To be perfectly honest, they affect me too painfully, to continue following. This has not been the case following you. Unfortunately writing this has given me a yucky feeling that im sticking my foot in my mouth so to speak... i just feel you should know how much i appreciate your writings. I feel a bit (cant think of the word...) like i cant relate? To the trials and tribulations here. While i can never fully grasp the enormity of your situation, and in no way intend to compare, i do have experience with kinship adoption. My situation has probably not been anything close to yours... but i do know what its like to parent a relatives child/children.
ReplyDeleteYou say there is not much online about kinship adoption. Maybe you will be the "Pioneer" of information on the subject. You already have the platform, the blog and its followers. You've done whatever research possible... but nothing can compare to the research you do everyday, in your own home! I think you should write a book about it. I imagine that there are millions of families sitting in a situation Like yours or similar, who need some advice that like you... can't find.