I've admitted to myself lately that I am wound pretty tight. I've discussed here about how my temper has been flaring up more regularly. I can physically feel the tension in my body. My stomach is upset often. I do this weird jaw clench thing (ironically I remember my grandmother doing the same thing) that is happening more frequently. I have always been a bit of a control freak and perfectionist about some things. K is constantly complaining about me overreacting to situations. My stress levels are extremely high. I'm on vacation in a beautiful, chill location and I'm a ball of stress.
I've also noticed, though, that I've become hyper vigilant about the boys. Since the accident, I worry about them all the time. I make L hold my hand everywhere. I need to know where they are at all times. But it spills over in other areas. I overreact when their behavior isn't ideal...D's language (calling his brothers idiots or his newest "what the hell")...A's absentmindedness...L not listening when I ask him to stop doing something. I worry that I've ruined the boys' life by taking in the girls. I worry that their innocence has been lost by the accident. I worry and worry and worry. This translates in overreaction and anxiety.
Control is at the center of all of this behavior. Just like L refuses to go to the bathroom in the potty (yes, he's still going in the diaper although he wears undies all day) as a way to gain control, my actions are probably my attempt to control things when something happened that I couldn't control. The accident changed everything. I can't control how my sisters and parents have reacted. I can't make K be more than he is. I can't bring them back. I can't take in the little girls too.
So how do I change this? How do I get off of this scary ride of tense emotions and stress? I don't know how to find the balance between letting some control go, but also being able to keep the reins on the chaos that is our life. I've thought about medication to help with the symptoms of the anxiety and stress. To be honest, I"m scared of this approach. I'm searching for something physical, spiritual and emotional to help me. I've lost way too much weight and am completely out of shape. I guess if I'm admitting it's an issue that's a step in the right direction.
All I know is that my behavior is affecting the kids. I don't want my nervousness to keep them from having fun, being carefree and not worrying themselves. There comes a point when my vigilance may keep them safe, but on the other hand it can also become suffocating and unhealthy.