How did this happen?

How is it that my big guy started Kindergarten this week?

He turned and ran toward his class line on the first day without even saying goodbye.  He walks with confidence, with his new backpack secure on his sturdy shoulders ready to take on the world (or at least the happy hallways of Holy Spirit School).  When I expressed my utter astonishment at his independence, one of the teachers (who I've known since Aidan started) commented that she wasn't surprised at all. "He rules this school, Peggy!  He has grown up here.  All the teachers know him and half the school.  He could probably give the class the school tour today and not many of the other newbies walk right up to the principal and give her a high five!"

She's totally right.  His whole life has revolved around sitting in that car seat twice a day as he watched his siblings go off to school and now it's his turn.  He's had to sit patiently in the back of a classroom while I volunteer.  He was loved and embraced almost three years ago when tragedy struck.  He was ready.

Me being ready, on the other hand, is a whole 'nother story.  It's been a rough week.  I am so happy for him and proud that he's made this transition so well, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I miss my little buddy.  Moreover, it's a huge transition for our family as we now have all five kids in school.  I still felt like we had another baby in our plans and for some reason watching him grow up highlights that pang.

Of course he reminded me quickly last night that he still needs me when he called from the bathroom, "Mommy!  I need help wiping!!"

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Work sucks.  No other way to say it.  If I could quit I would.

Pompous, male Phd's are not on my good list right now.  In previous positions, I got used to arrogant, male military officers.  Now I've got a puffed up professor who treats me like his TA, not a colleague, and repeatedly takes my ideas as his own, looses a gasket whenever I respectfully disagree with him, and has basically cut me out of a project that I've worked hard on all summer.  I'm trying to remind myself that it's a paycheck, but my ego has taken a huge blow in the last 3 weeks.  I've got other more important things to worry about like living with a depressed teenager, sorting out M's student assistance plan (SAP) for the year and figuring out the our new logistics with the new school year and new sports seasons.

I know I'm good at what I do.  I just need to keep reminding myself and ride out these waves.

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K and I are in a bit of a funk again.  Same old, same old.  Short of couples therapy, I'm not sure how to approach it.  Our marriage has definitely been one of ebbs and flows. I wish the times of us working as a team lasted longer.  When things get tough, he tends to distance himself from me and the kids.  I get frustrated and lose my cool.  Rinse and repeat.  I want to break the cycle.

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So school has started.  E is a junior.  A and M are in seventh grade.  D is the king of fifth grade.  L has jumped into school with both feet and (crossing fingers) so far, so good. 

Despite accidents, funerals, pain, stress, tears, and a whole lot of crap, life still marches on.  If I teach the kids anything through all of this is that we need to keep moving forward and living our life even when all of us just want to move to Costa Rica and live on a family compound made up of tree houses (A's latest fantasy).

Here's to a new school year!