Thursdays

For some reason, Thursday has become my Jeanne day.  I think about her more on that day.  The tears flow a little easier.  Don't get me wrong, I think about her a lot everyday, but feelings of grief are often intermingled with frustration and irrational anger, and tied up with the girls and our relationship.

Thursdays are usually reserved for the sad feelings.  Longing.  Wishing she was here.

Thursday is a work day for me in the office.  I have lots of hours of quiet work in my dull windowless office and usually an hour commuting time in the car with only my ipod for company.  C works on that day too, so we often have lunch together and talk about Zhea.

We used to talk on the phone on the way to work Thursday mornings.  It was the last time I talked to her before the accident.

A and M were both born on a Thursday exactly 12 weeks apart, a fact we both loved to remember.

The funeral was on a Thursday.

I've always kind of liked Thursdays.  Just as you have a favorite number or color, Thursdays have always appealed to me.  Great tv shows on Thursdays.  Great night to go our during college.  One day closer to the weekend. 

I don't mind sharing my favorite day with my grief for my big sister.  I've had such a hard time (despite lots of therapy) owning my grief.  I have lots of excuses.  I don't have time to indulge when the kids all need me so much.  My loss can't compare to the loss the girls have experienced (that one usually is tied to guilt).  It hurts too much.

I seem to let those excuses fall away on Thursdays.  It can be my time to acknowledge my own loss without the distractions.

So today I miss my sister.  I want her back, not just for her kids, but for me and the special relationship we had.  I love you Zhea.