Profound. (adjective) having or showing great knowledge or understanding; difficult to understand requiring deep thought or wisdom; very strongly felt.
The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs. I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth. I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work. I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.
This has left me tired. My brain is sludgy. The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel). Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.
1. Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard. I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after. The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real. Next week I'll be older than she was when she died. Sigh.
2. The girls had a rough week too. Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes. It upset the entire family. My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it. E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought. Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way. At least she's consistent.
3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done. It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client. At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door). K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay! they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.
4. Our 18th anniversary was Monday. See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went. The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner. It sucked. But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much. We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.
5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids. All four got great report cards for them. M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom. She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter. The tough conference for some reason was little L's. He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard. She also said we need to read with him more at home. So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should. Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep. He's in our bed most nights around three. On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven. She looked at me blankly. I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story. I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him. "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something." Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on. It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.
6. A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood. Surgery was this morning and it went well. We're waiting to hear the results. So sad. So very very sad.
So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post. I wish I had some profound insight into the above list. A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest. I got nothing.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
47
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Today she would have been 47.
My big sister.
We are four years apart, so when I graduated from 8th grade, she graduated from high school. When I graduated from high school, she graduated from college.
We share November for our birthdays.
We share November for our anniversaries. The same weekend 3 years apart at the same hotel. We shared the same wedding dress.
We are now share the raising of these two great kids.
I want to pick up the phone and wish her a happy birthday. I want to give her a hug.
I just want my sister back.
Happy Birthday Zhea. Love you, love you, love you.
Monday, November 4, 2013
At Home
I left alone, I left the world I was running,
To be by your side I was dying,
alone by your side I was flying.
I came alone, I've come a long way to get here,
The leaves they fall to my feet, at home,
They mean nothing to me
"At Home," Crystal Fighters
Dinner was done early tonight. K is working late so it was just me and the kids. Everyone was at the table, happily eating and joking with each other. Things felt right. So right, I started folding laundry and decided we needed a little impromptu sing along and dance party with the old Ipod.
We started easy with a little "Hey Ho" by the Lumineers. This was quickly followed by "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt. The kids all sang at the top of their lungs, inserting silly lines as I danced around the room, smiling and feeling...well, content.
M picked a little ditty by the Waterboys called "The Glastonbury Song" which has become a favorite of hers. An oldie but goodie for me, but new to her. She got up, singing and dancing while the boys sang along and clapped their hands. She was at ease and happy. The joy on her face and in her movement was precious. Music can do that to the humans in this house.
Then she caught herself. Overwhelmed. She slid out of the room quietly. That joy is still too much for the girls. These moments of sinking into our family and feeling at home still feels like a betrayal. I know not to push it.
The boys and I are still jamming. We've learned not to stop our fun all the time to accommodate their grief.
"All I Want" by Kodaline is on. "If you loved me, why'd you leave me...All I want is, All I need is to find somebody like you..."
All I want and what I pray for is that those feelings of joy won't feel like betrayal for E and M. That these feelings of of peace and contentment don't still surprise the boys and I when they include the girls. I guess I just want all of us to feel at home.
For now Franz Ferdinand "Can't Stop This Feeling" is on and I feel like getting my groove on and rocking out.
To be by your side I was dying,
alone by your side I was flying.
I came alone, I've come a long way to get here,
The leaves they fall to my feet, at home,
They mean nothing to me
"At Home," Crystal Fighters
Dinner was done early tonight. K is working late so it was just me and the kids. Everyone was at the table, happily eating and joking with each other. Things felt right. So right, I started folding laundry and decided we needed a little impromptu sing along and dance party with the old Ipod.
We started easy with a little "Hey Ho" by the Lumineers. This was quickly followed by "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt. The kids all sang at the top of their lungs, inserting silly lines as I danced around the room, smiling and feeling...well, content.
M picked a little ditty by the Waterboys called "The Glastonbury Song" which has become a favorite of hers. An oldie but goodie for me, but new to her. She got up, singing and dancing while the boys sang along and clapped their hands. She was at ease and happy. The joy on her face and in her movement was precious. Music can do that to the humans in this house.
Then she caught herself. Overwhelmed. She slid out of the room quietly. That joy is still too much for the girls. These moments of sinking into our family and feeling at home still feels like a betrayal. I know not to push it.
The boys and I are still jamming. We've learned not to stop our fun all the time to accommodate their grief.
"All I Want" by Kodaline is on. "If you loved me, why'd you leave me...All I want is, All I need is to find somebody like you..."
All I want and what I pray for is that those feelings of joy won't feel like betrayal for E and M. That these feelings of of peace and contentment don't still surprise the boys and I when they include the girls. I guess I just want all of us to feel at home.
For now Franz Ferdinand "Can't Stop This Feeling" is on and I feel like getting my groove on and rocking out.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
October 24, 2013
It came. It was hard. Kids were great, for the most part. I'll explain some of the drama in a later post, but here are some pictures from the day. I think they are some of my best.
Four years. Twenty balloons. And still lots and lots of love
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Dread and Acceptance
The week of dread is upon us.
Thursday is the four year anniversary of the accident. It seems like just yesterday, unimaginable that it's been that long.
The kids are a bit off. We all are. They love the morning when we meet at a local park, eat breakfast. play on the playground and send our balloon messages to heaven. Everyone seems to put all of the underlying tensions aside and just enjoy being together and remembering Jeanne and Mike. I actually look forward to the morning. I spend the morning behind the lens of my camera capturing the day and the love our family holds for each other.
For me, for whatever reason, it's the night before that gets me. As bizarre as this sounds, it feels like the accident is going to happen all over again. The horror and shock.
In my head, I run through all of the images that encapsulate that night and the days and week following. Telling E and M their parents were dead. Holding KT in my arms and picking out the glass from her hair. Coming home to K and sobbing. Scenes from the funeral. Seeing E walk into her parent's room, falling face down on their bed and sobbing...the first time I saw her cry about it. Sitting on the floor outside of 18 month old KT's room listening to her cry for her mommy and not being able to do anything.
The questions come flooding in as well. Did she know what was happening? Why couldn't Mike stay on his side of the road? Was she ever in pain? Does she know we have the girls? Does she know we're doing the best we can? Does she know how often I think of her and how they are never forgotten? Not even for a day. Does she know how much I love her?
Why them? Why us?
There is a bit of a difference this year. I feel the dread, but I know that it will be over soon. I know that we just need to remember and get through. Maybe this is the first step towards acceptance? Acceptance that the accident really happened and that they aren"t coming back. This is it. This is our life.
Strangely this insight makes me feel better like I'm moving the boulder called grief further down the road.
Thursday is the four year anniversary of the accident. It seems like just yesterday, unimaginable that it's been that long.
The kids are a bit off. We all are. They love the morning when we meet at a local park, eat breakfast. play on the playground and send our balloon messages to heaven. Everyone seems to put all of the underlying tensions aside and just enjoy being together and remembering Jeanne and Mike. I actually look forward to the morning. I spend the morning behind the lens of my camera capturing the day and the love our family holds for each other.
For me, for whatever reason, it's the night before that gets me. As bizarre as this sounds, it feels like the accident is going to happen all over again. The horror and shock.
In my head, I run through all of the images that encapsulate that night and the days and week following. Telling E and M their parents were dead. Holding KT in my arms and picking out the glass from her hair. Coming home to K and sobbing. Scenes from the funeral. Seeing E walk into her parent's room, falling face down on their bed and sobbing...the first time I saw her cry about it. Sitting on the floor outside of 18 month old KT's room listening to her cry for her mommy and not being able to do anything.
The questions come flooding in as well. Did she know what was happening? Why couldn't Mike stay on his side of the road? Was she ever in pain? Does she know we have the girls? Does she know we're doing the best we can? Does she know how often I think of her and how they are never forgotten? Not even for a day. Does she know how much I love her?
Why them? Why us?
There is a bit of a difference this year. I feel the dread, but I know that it will be over soon. I know that we just need to remember and get through. Maybe this is the first step towards acceptance? Acceptance that the accident really happened and that they aren"t coming back. This is it. This is our life.
Strangely this insight makes me feel better like I'm moving the boulder called grief further down the road.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
The Positive Side of Life
A list of a few positives from the furlough:
1. K is home when the kids get home from school and he has not only been able to see first hand how hard it is to balance homework help and overall kid management at that time AND he has been able to help the kids with fun subjects life math and science (not my strong suits).
2. E hit a deer this morning on the way to swim practice (she is fine) and did $3k worth of damage to the car. Since he was home, K was able to get on the phone quickly to the insurance company and we dropped it off at the garage this morning.
3. He's been a lot more involved with the kids in general (see #1) and taken a bit of the "I need attention NOW" off of my shoulders. This has especially been great for L who is often slightly off his dad's radar.
4. We've talked and laughed tons this week which is good for both of us. K is a really funny guy and since he's around more his humor has definitely lightened the mood up around here.
5. Today there were no kids in the house and I had a break before I had to be somewhere and do something and I actually had the energy to fulfill those often neglected wifely duties. Again good for both of us (wink, wink).
6. He has gotten a bunch of little stuff done for me that has made my life a little easier in terms of logistics. In this list, was research on financial aid stuff for E which took a little bit of stress off of her shoulders since she thought she was broke and couldn't pay for college--it is seriously the exact opposite of that. Overall, he has done an exceptional job handling the girls' money and, once again, proved that he (we) made the right decisions with how we are dealing with their finances.
7. K and D played 18 holes of golf yesterday. The kids had a half day at school so they took advantage of some nice weather and hit the links. D needs that extra attention and his dad being home filled that void.
8. He's been running a few times and I think the exercise has been good for his overall mood.
Don't get me wrong, this is still a pretty stressful situation. While we don't live paycheck to paycheck, NOT getting paid isn't an ideal situation. Although we have hope that federal employees will get back pay, it is certainly not a guarantee. We're both trying, however, to think of this in a positive light and take advantage of at least one of us getting a work break and lowering the stress around here a bit.
I hate to admit it, but I'm secretly hoping there isn't a miracle deal struck tonight downtown...I've got a few more things on my furlough list that I need to get done.
1. K is home when the kids get home from school and he has not only been able to see first hand how hard it is to balance homework help and overall kid management at that time AND he has been able to help the kids with fun subjects life math and science (not my strong suits).
2. E hit a deer this morning on the way to swim practice (she is fine) and did $3k worth of damage to the car. Since he was home, K was able to get on the phone quickly to the insurance company and we dropped it off at the garage this morning.
3. He's been a lot more involved with the kids in general (see #1) and taken a bit of the "I need attention NOW" off of my shoulders. This has especially been great for L who is often slightly off his dad's radar.
4. We've talked and laughed tons this week which is good for both of us. K is a really funny guy and since he's around more his humor has definitely lightened the mood up around here.
5. Today there were no kids in the house and I had a break before I had to be somewhere and do something and I actually had the energy to fulfill those often neglected wifely duties. Again good for both of us (wink, wink).
6. He has gotten a bunch of little stuff done for me that has made my life a little easier in terms of logistics. In this list, was research on financial aid stuff for E which took a little bit of stress off of her shoulders since she thought she was broke and couldn't pay for college--it is seriously the exact opposite of that. Overall, he has done an exceptional job handling the girls' money and, once again, proved that he (we) made the right decisions with how we are dealing with their finances.
7. K and D played 18 holes of golf yesterday. The kids had a half day at school so they took advantage of some nice weather and hit the links. D needs that extra attention and his dad being home filled that void.
8. He's been running a few times and I think the exercise has been good for his overall mood.
Don't get me wrong, this is still a pretty stressful situation. While we don't live paycheck to paycheck, NOT getting paid isn't an ideal situation. Although we have hope that federal employees will get back pay, it is certainly not a guarantee. We're both trying, however, to think of this in a positive light and take advantage of at least one of us getting a work break and lowering the stress around here a bit.
I hate to admit it, but I'm secretly hoping there isn't a miracle deal struck tonight downtown...I've got a few more things on my furlough list that I need to get done.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Tired
Everything K has done in the last week around the house is been prefaced with a "furlough." He worked on his "furlough grass" and made some not that great "furlough meat loaf" one night for dinner. We add this bit of levity to keep the kids from worrying about things, and to keep the two of us from losing it. K is trying to pick up the slack around here since he is off of work. In some ways it is helpful. Running to the store. Making dinner a few nights last week. Driving kids to practice because he's home. Our family cadence is a bit off around here, though, as we all get used to him stepping in where I usual take charge. Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself when I have to take so much time explaining all the why's and how's involved with keeping the family train on the tracks.
Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest. You have been forewarned.
Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party. D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game. It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.
I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day. I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible. A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously.
Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm. During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about. M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs. She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.
Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed. Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today. My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.
M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it. School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school. It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder. It's not just school. Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability. This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate. I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress. ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination. I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.
All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so tired today. Bone tired. The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep. Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression. I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight. If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.
Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest. You have been forewarned.
Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party. D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game. It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.
I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day. I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible. A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously.
Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm. During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about. M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs. She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.
Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed. Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today. My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.
M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it. School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school. It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder. It's not just school. Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability. This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate. I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress. ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination. I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.
All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so tired today. Bone tired. The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep. Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression. I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight. If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.
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